1. Your Insta-envy is off the chart. There are few things more uplifting than an Instagram feed packed with sunsets and shiny happy people. Unless you haven’t seen either of the above in quite a while, that is. #humblebrag, be gone with you.
2. Elderly relatives have been asking whether you’re feeling ok recently due to your less-than-glowing complexion, to which you respond with: ‘Oh I’m fine, I just receive less sunlight than Angel from Buffy. He’s a vampire, grandma. From the smash hit TV show? What? Never mind, let’s eat some cookies.’
3. You eat said cookies with great enthusiasm, because it’s been so long since you were required to don a bathing suit, there’s really little motivation to stop snacking and hit the gym.
4. Come to think of it, the last time you went on holiday, Buffy was still on air.
5. Speaking of TV, everybody in the whole world apart from you seems to have cancelled their Netflix subscription over the summer.
6. Which is why you’ve stopped asking: ‘Have you seen the latest episode of…?’ Because you just know that the answer coming your way is: ‘No, I’ve been way too busy enjoying the sun!’ Oh.
7. You spend hours preaching that ‘pale and interesting’ is back.
8. You’ve also spoken at length about the importance of wearing factor 50 to all your bronzed, well-travelled Frenemies.
9. …While secretly reaching for the fake tan and then remembering the horror involved. Note to self: orange is NOT the new black.
10. You haven’t posted anything on social media in years because, as we all very well know, pictures on vacation always get the most likes.
11. You’re well informed about recent current events, mainly because you haven’t just spent the last week on a Wi-Fi free beach, drinking cocktails.
12. When you check the oven to see how your dinner’s cooking, sometimes you linger a little too long – that heat on your face reminds you of basking in a certain hot summer sun.
13. You actually have air miles left.
14. There is a small chance you have forgotten how to swim.
15. You haven’t seen, let alone used, your passport in a while.
16. Probably because you lost it and haven’t bothered to buy a replacement yet. Just imagine: right now, someone, somewhere, could be using your stolen ID to buy drinks at a tropical beach bar. GET A NEW PASSPORT.
17. You set up an alert on Skyscanner for cheap flights to Bali. Two years ago.
18. The only interaction you’ve had with a pool is at the gym.
19. Your desktop background is of a beach in the Caribbean, your theory being that, if you look at it long and hard enough, you’re practically there.
20. You have leftover currency that is crying out to be used.
21. Your bikini drawer is collecting dust.
22. The sweet scent of sunscreen smells better than anything in the world.
23. The last time you went on holiday, iPods were a revolutionary means of listening to music on the beach. What’s that? You still have a Walkman?
24. You’re foundation is four shades darker than your current sunless complexion.
25. It’s been so long since you’ve had a pedicure. Well, if nobody sees your toes…
26. Cocktails at lunch are restricted to a weekend-only indulgence.
27. You’ve been in your ‘new’ job for two years and still haven’t taken one vacation.
Okay, let’s all just book a vacation already. We deserve it.